I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You can't motorboat a personality
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
