I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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