We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Randomize
