I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize