I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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