I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize