I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
