I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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