Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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