I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
