He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
