Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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