Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
