I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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