no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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