Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
