you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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