So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
