Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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