Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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