I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
