Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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