Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
