I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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