About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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