we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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