i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
