oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if only i could text you this smell
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
