nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
