The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
