Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
