roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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