Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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