I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
