Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
