Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
