i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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