Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
