you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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