I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
