Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
