I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
