Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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