I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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