his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
