glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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