There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
