Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
