Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
