Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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