It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you had me at cake vodka
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
