So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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