break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
