I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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