Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize