if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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