I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
