Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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