i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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