$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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