just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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