Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
