i would punch a child for taco bell
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
