My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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