I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
